StefanMexicola

Time again past, as it always does, the house had to be leveled and totally rebuilt. I stayed with my cousin in his friends house for a long while, making new friends and working still, prepairing for school, until more events I recall that happened preventing me from moving into the new rebuilt home and attending the classes I had registered for coming up in just several short months to come. I never did make it back into the new house, I had been there awhile, I thought it was time to move on when I got the chance, and that chance came, me being still so young and eager, I did it and left my cousin and his house, left my job and hit the road for better things. Which I regret now, so much time wasted, lost, spent doing nothing when I was young. If I could just go back, redo alot of things, I never would have left there and I would have went on to classes and been alot farther then I am now. Looking back and writing this page, I really see alot of mistakes I made when I was young and stupid. Now I am older and still stupid, getting stuck in ruts and dead end places, wasting time and wasting life, wasted efforts and hopes. Most of all though, Wasted feelings and thoughts, not saying shit to people that I should have said before it was too late, fucking up things here and there, not knowing what it all meant later, too stupid to know, too young to care, not knowing I wouldn't care til it was too late, like most people tend to do.

Picking up from here at this point in my life is when I started racking up mistake after mistake. I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life when I left living with my cousin and moved away. I put off going to school and everything. I just picked up and moved away from everyone I knew and loved the most. Anyways, I am getting so ahead of myself. Let me get back on track and start from the beginning.

My brother was a bad drug head and was married. He meet this women that had moved here from Los Angeles. To make this boring ass shit shorter, He got hooked up with her and left his kids and wife and was moving to Los Angeles with her. A few weeks later he had a plain ticket, she had moved back to Hollywood or near the vicinity and had them an apartment to live in. He stayed behind a few weeks to get things in order I guess and flew down about a week later. He got there and got settled in and was working for a company installing alarms for their homes. I got to thinking, and I really wanted to go to Hollywood, so I called them and asked could I come down for awhile and check it out, being so young and not started school yet. I thought it would be a great chance to go and see other bigger places and see what Hollywood was all about. So I planned to leave everything I knew behind in a few weeks. I gave my notice in at Food Lion where I was working at the time. I went back to the college and got a refund for the classes I signed up for, I had already enrolled even and was set to take the classes. I packed up and was about to hit the road. A trip by car from coast to coast, from the east coast, all the way into Hollywood. My mom was all upset, and tried to talk me out of this, one son already gone and another planning to go across country as well, but my mind was set and I wouldn't hear any of it. I was going and she wasn't gonna talk me out of it. Sometimes now I wish she had tried a little bit harder, I should have listened but hell no. I packed my shit and was all excited. All of it wasn't a waste though, I will say that. The trip was fun and Hollywood was nice, well parts of it was, but I'll get into this later too, God I keep getting ahead of myself here, Sorry.

Anyways, picking up from there, I had packed my stuff up that was still mostly in Bill's shed. That's the man we was staying with while my cousin had their house rebuilt. It still wasn't done by the time I had picked up and was ready to take off. So I got it all outta their shed and packed into my car. The bigger stuff I couldn't take I gave away to whomever wanted the stuff. I went back to Mom's for about a week or maybe a little less until I was set to take off for my road trip. I remember getting that morning and my mom and dad following me to Interstate 20 where I would start off at in our Homestate. We stopped their talking for awhile and cried like I knew we would probably do. I was about to put over 2000 miles between us for the first time ever. It was the first time I had ever really been out of state without them. We would go up to Maryland into Hagerstown some and into Quintico, West Virginia, not sure if that's even spelled right, where all my cousins and Uncles and Aunt's lived. We had family in West Virginia and Maryland, and Also Washington D.C.

But as I said, this was my first real long trip away from everyone I knew and the only place I ever rightly will call and consider my home. I left that morning though, non the less, heading out for Los Angeles, all alone, car packed up, not even knowing how long it would take me to get there. I don't remember what day I left, or what day I actually drove into the heart of Los Angeles on Interstate 10 on. All I do remember is that it took me 3 and a half days to get across country and then a lil north of Los Angeles to a combined town called Palmdale Lancaster California. I suspect it's at least a good hour north of Los Angeles, hell it's been so long now I can't even remember for sure, but it was North of Hollywood.

Anyways, I had already been into Georgia many times before on Interstate 20 heading west, and as far as I could tell, all the way through til I got into Lousinia all the shit looked the same. But from Lousinia all the way into the rest of Hollywood, every state and all the sights seemed a bit different. Lousinia was really nice even though I was cutting through the uppermost part of that state. The way it was I could have only imagined what the lower parts of the state must have surely been like down in New Orleans and the parts down there. The Upper part was very different from South Carolina over into Alabama alone. I don't really know what it was about it, I remember crossing some huge Bridge inbetween Alabama and Lousinia, I forget what River that is, but the Bridge right on the other side of Birgingham is very huge. I am thinking that's the Mississippi River that I crossed, If not someone please correct me, that knows the right answer. From the west side of the Bridge over that far I had alot of neat and new things to see along the way. That upper portion of Lousinia was really unique to me for some odd reason. It sorta had long stretches through it that sorta looked like wheat fields or something, I am thinking that's what it was, but I ain't to rightly sure. Anyways, it was all different. That's as far as I made it the first day, into Lousinia someplace. I was dead tired after gutting through 3 to 4 states in one day, I thought it was time to rest, knowing I would hit Texas State Line sometime that next day, never realizing just how fucking wide that state is, it encompassed most of the damn trip. If you could like totally take out the State of Texas, a cross country trip would be like nothing to me. Yanno, just take it out like a puzzle peice and splice Lousinia back into the state of New Mexico, well yeah, then the trip would be a breeze. Texas is a whole different story within itself on this page.

Anyways, let me get to this before I totally forget so you will understand some events to come in this section way ahead of these parts. My cousin was a diabetic. He had been since birth and it was his biggest downfall. Seeing as diabetes can be managed damn well these days and his mother was sorry as shit when they grew up and didn't teach him the right way to handle this illness, he didn't much give a crap and ate things he damn well shouldn't have. When we were smaller his mom, which is my dad's younger sister, would go out partying and raising hell and getting fucked on the weekends, or so that's how they all told it to me, which I believe, this women is a bitch OK. Anyways, she didn't take care of her 3 kids, my cousin had two sisters, one older then him and one younger. They didn't know what loving parents were, and sadly she would dump the 3 off on our grandma on the weekends so she could go out and get her grooves on and get drunk. I would go spend some summers there with them, like maybe a week out of every summer and it always seemed it was just a mess, tons of fighting with the 3 kids and shit. Which I left this out of my younger and teen years sections, seems even as I do this part, more and more shit comes flooding back.

Anyways, moving on from here, as I was saying, he was growing up with Diabetes with no real guidance and teachings. He would run out of insulin and his mother wouldn't even have bought him anymore and he would be about to seize and stuff. However there was a man that lived near them with Diabetes as well that he meet by some grace of god I suspect at this time, god knows if he hadn't he probably wouldn't have lived near as long as he did. The man he meet was great though and knew at times he would show up almost about to seize and his system all out of kilter at that point and he would give him insulin shots and some supplies that he obviously needed and surely didn't have at the time. They got closer as time would pass and this guy really became his mentor and saving grace as I suspect, as well as the wife he would meet later that he married and lived with at the time I moved in.

Ok, picking up from here is when things got all fucked up again. Man It's been awhile since I added anything to this and things get flooded back into my memory and brain. Let me see if I can even find a starting place for this point now.

As I said, I was living with my cousin in the city at this point. My whole life seemed to have changed when I moved in down there with them. I got a job at a grocery store in town near the house there as I said. I worked there for awhile, My cousin worked at Dominoe's Pizza, his wife worked with Mentally Retarded kids at some hospital. Everyone seemed busy with little time to do things we wanted.

Time passed and things progressed along, I had enrolled in a technical school near there to take classes in Respiratory Therapy, which I never did take at this time, Things got really fucked up and I didn't go, at least not just yet.

Soon things got really bad at the house, Tragedy struck and nothing seemed to ever be the same. I remember my cousin was at work at Dominoe's. His wife had came home from work that day. I happened to be off work that day and me and my younger cousin and his wife I lived with had just gotten home almost. We were sitting in the living room with the TV going, the air was on. I don't remember what all happened, FUCK it happened so fast. We were sitting there, smoke began to pour out the air ducts, the living room filled up fast. We got up, started making tracks, I remember my younger cousin running outside, and he looked under the house, where smoked continued to just boil.

I can still hear him to this day, his voice almost embedded in my mind, screaming, "FIRE, FIRE, THERE'S A FIRE UNDER THE HOUSE."

By then it was already too late, it happened so fast, it was all black, smoke was everywhere. I remember we had a dog then named Charcoal, he was as black as that smoke, that's how they named too, cuz he was so black. He was still inside the house, we ran so fast he was left behind, the smoke continuing to boil and fester, the house was taken by it so fast. I remember my cousin's wife, screaming Charcoal, I remember her running back in the door, I was scared as hell she would not come back out. She did run in though, not willing to leave the dog behind, she got inside, found him somehow by the grace of god, how I don't fucking know. The smoke filled up so fast, how she got in and back out that place was anyone's good guess. She did though, damn she did and got Charcoal out too. Then I remember she ran to neighbor's, called my cousin, he had no car, Him being who he was, he had to get home right then, no waiting, I had to go get him, pick him up. When I got there, I remember him running to the car, getting in the driver's seat, I got in the passenger seat, I knew he would fly like a bat out of hell, but also knowing it was of no use, the house stood almost no chance, it all happened so fast, about as fast as he drove us both back to it, flying, I remember it, so scared I thought we would crash and burn too. I don't ever remember going so goddamn fast ever in my life, the car had wings, as the house burnt into ash. We did make it there safely, again I don't see how and by the grace of god I can only presume.

By the time we got back the firemen and trucks were there, water shooting out their hoses aimed at the burning mass that was once the house we stayed in just fucking yesterday and this morning too when we all got up. By the time it was outed as I said, it was just too late. The room i was in had some charred remains. I remember going in later, looking for things, what we could salvage of our once belongings. My photo album was white, with gold trim along the cover, I did find it, it was black, the cover and album ruined, most of the pictures melted from the heat I guess. Pictures of my family, my friends, some gone, some grown up, things that could never ever be replaced, things I cherished gone within a few short seconds. I found some of my school annuals, burnt and lost as well, black and messed up, messed up as bad as that house. Messed up as bad as our feelings and heads. Walking through what was left, all black, ashes everywhere, some walls still intact but black and messed up beyond repair. I lost alot of my things that day, shit I cannot ever replace, as did all the others too, my cousin and his wife, and her kids. We lost tons of shit, along with the house. We had to split up for awhile, nowhere to go. Some of her kids stayed with their friends from school. Me, my cousin and his wife staying with one of his good friends. The one he went too when he had no one else, the one that gave him insulin and a helping hand, once again opening his house and heart to my cousin, as well as his loved ones, I stayed there awhile too. All 3 of us, while her kids stayed other places in town. All split up but taken care of when times warranted it.

Ok let's try to get back on track here again. I do remember alot so here goes. I will try to pick back up from where we left off.

As I said, My aunt was really hysterical at this point. My mom trying to calm here down as well as hold her ownself together, which couldn't have been at all too easy to do. I remember standing by my sister at one point, her all in her own tears and own quiet non vocal place, wherever it may have been. She was my only sibling there at the time, I forget where my other sister and brother was now, probably because I found it to be of little importance at this time, however my brother was probably in his usual state or places he is always in, drunk or high in some bar, or out half assed getting fucked, anyways. I remember kneeling down and touching my grandads body, it still in the bed at the time. Cold and already blue as he was, I don't remember what I did exactly, but I remember touching him. The Hospital priest came in after some point, and said a Prayer. After that we all soon started to get ready to leave to go to the funeral home and make plans and all that stuff people do when someone passes on. I still remember walking outta the Hospital the last time, knowing he was finally gone, the rain still pouring down, hitting us as we all walked sadly and brokenhearted to our cars. We got to the funeral home and time passed as it always does. We soon found ourselves all back at my Mom's house, talking, waiting for our family to arrive that we knew would be coming down now, from West Virginian hills and Hagerstown Maryland as well.

They all showed up the next day in fact, and the next days didn't seem to get any better. I remember going to the funeral and my cousins and us all in the same car, which by this point in time was no picknick for me at all. I wanted it all to end so some of them would just go the hell back up North and get lost, sadly. I guess by this point in our lives that's about the point we had gotten to. Anyways the time passed as always, and we got through the funeral. All my cousins stayed at my other aunt's house which I guess bothered me some, but at this point I much didn't care. I remember them telling me that my cousin Mark got into some bottles and ended up drunk before this all was over, but I dunno, I guess he got it honest judging from the actions of some of our close relatives. Anyways the funeral passed and we got done with that and Christmas also came and went.

I was still working at Wal-Mart during that Christmas season. It was terrible and I hated it. However my time spent working at Wal-Mart was soon over for me as me and another manager that wasn't over my department had a huge falling out and I told him to kiss my fucking ass and that I would not be even be working out the remainder of my two weeks notice. I told him they didn't pay me enough to put up with his crap and forget my damn two weeks notice. I walked out that same day and never returned to work at Wal-Mart ever again. Later on I was informed that same manager I cussed out was fired and that the Manager over them all was moved to another store and demoted to an assistant manager. Yes, that's correct, A Wal-Mart has one big manager and Assistant Managers too. The one I had it out with was an Assistant Manager, correct, and he got fired, which is good, and the Manager got demoted and also moved, taken from his store, the one in which I had worked at.

My god this is like reliving my whole life, and that's a nightmare partly. Some of it is good in a way though. It's odd how much you really can remember if you just sit down, get still and think back on things. If you have any spare time, do just that. Sit down by yourself, and think back on things, REFLECT, you'll be surprised how events and things pour back. Stuff you haven't even thought of in years. This section is really gonna be interesting. I already have this much text, and I am still just in the year after I graduated High School people, so sit back and bear with me, this part is still far from done.

After I had finally washed my hands of Wal-Mart and it's so bogus crap, I still wondered around as of yet with no real place or plans. This is soon when I hooked up with my cousin in the city and moved there, and I got my job at The Food Lion when I had planned to sign up for tech school at this point. Yes, My job at Food Lion pretty much sucked duck eggs, and I had about at this time decided I guess a 2 year tech school didn't sound all too bad after all. I had watched my grandad slip away slowly and saw people at that hospital called Respiratory Therapists. It kinda looked cool to me and I figured yanno, the pay must be really good to do this stuff. So i had planned to live with my cousin and take that up at tech for just 2 years. However that plan was actually twarted along the way be certain events as well that we shall get too.

I remember moving in with my cousin and his wife there in town, I meet tons of new cool people there at Food-Lion as well as tons of other cool people there along the way. It was the biggest city around us and I had alot of new resources and people around me to meet. I love meeting new people and doing new things, Anyone that knows me knows that about me I guess. That was the perfect setting to do so.

My cousin worked at a local Dominoe's Pizza. He was a manager of several of them in fact, and he would bring home gobs of pizza for us to eat. I would eat and eat that shit so much, my god, I soon became so sick of fucking pizza that when he walked in with some and I would smell it I would almost just gag and run to the kitchen to find me something besides pizza to stuff in my face, hehe.

I remember tons of stuff through this part of my life, so I know I will be here working on this section for sometime. I am not even sure I know where to begin, but I'll give this my best shot.

As I stated in my teen years section, I remember over and over again saying that I would never attend college, so at first, we all know I didn't. After High School was over and we all went our seperate ways, I realized I wouldn't see alot of my old friends ever again. Some I really didn't wanna ever see again, but some I still miss sorta to this day. And my realization was true, I am now 30 and some are gone forever, never seen since the last day of High School, and some are certainly gone forever like the friend Shannon I had that I went over in the teen section. But as we all do, I kept moving on and made tons of new friends here and there.

As I didn't attend high school I started out with small menial jobs. The first one I had after high school was working in an old country store near our place of residence. The pay and hours were shitty, but hey it was my first job so I guess all is good. I would stock the coolers and lil pissy shit most young people do with their first crappy jobs. But hey, at times some really cute guys would come in, and then well as you know, most work would cease as i scrambled around checking out the customers and trying to hold my shit together enough to get through it til he had left, LOL..

After that I still really seemed to be heading no real good place, except downhill. My cousin on my daddies side lived in the big city, and asked me to come move in with him there and find a job in the city. So me being so young, and going not much of anyplace, I said, What The Hell, so I packed up my shit and headed into the city, settling in after sometime. He was married to a women from Germany who had several kids by her previous husband, and yes she was a good bit older then him. Well some of the sons were around my age and some were well, yanno kinda hot assed. I was a lil older then and my hormones were worse I think instead of better, sometimes it was hard to always keep myself and them hormones in check, but I did settle in after sometime, and started looking for a job there.

The first job I got there wasn't too great, it was as a bag boy at one of the local Food Lion Stores there. If you aren't from down south or know what a Food Lion is it's a huge chain of Grocery Stores, which is now HUGE down in the south. They are all over the place, 3 right around that area where me and my cousins now lived together. Anyways I went to that store and applied for work, went back to the house that same day and they called, I was hired for my next low paying, shitty job, But I was working and making some money in the big city. I worked there for a good while and as I said, i did move on and I made tons more friends at this place. As most workers in those kinda stores do, the manager at this one advanced sorta fast, and wasn't much older then I myself was, and needless to say, this guy wasn't half bad looking. I was sorta taking with him from the start, and as time went on we got closer and closer. Although nothing ever happened between us and I have been gone from there and that job for a long time, I still haven't forgotten that manager or some of the other workers from that store. It was a Pissy job and that's for sure, but I did make some great memories from an old grocery store job as well, yanno, I have realized I could work or fit in just about anywhere. Seems any place I ever went to, the situation was just the same. I meet tons of cool people and fit in and make tons of memories there.

In fact it just hit me when I was writing that, I badly skipped ahead of myself but I am gonna leave it like it is for now and BACK UP just a bit before we carry on. As I sit here thinking also of this 20's section while I was already taking a small break, my hormones sure did kick into effect majorly bad because any and every part of this section I compile will have something in it about some other guy I fancied or liked at that time. I don't think their will be any part of it that doesn't deal with a guy except one single part, and that will be the part about my aunt and cousin that I moved in with, but I skipped ahead once, and am about to do it again, UGH, and we already need to backtrack so I need to slow down and get a grip. This section is gonna be rough and big, so do bear with me. Breathes Deep..

As I said, let's do back up again, becuase between that first country store job and before I moved in with my cousin into the city, some other shit happened along my way. I had gotten another job while I still lived at home before I moved into the city. That job was working at a Wal Mart store that is close to the house as well. I also made tons of friends there, and alot of them too. People came and went from that place like mad. Well as you know Wal-Mart's pay is shit, their benefits package may be ok but the pay and job descriptions leave alot to be desired. I did happen to start working there that summer in fact. You talk about having to stop and breathe deep to keep my shit together. Working there was tough as shit on a Gay Guy's Hormones. Not only were half my fellow co-workers young hot guys, but half the customers that piled into that place were too. Well, you all know that, I am sure you all know just how the Wal-Mart clientele is in your area and I suspect it's just the same as the one I worked at.

Anyways, I started out in the domestics department which totally sucked shit to me, badly. I hated it daily but I was making money and shit, so yanno how it goes. I really wanted to work in the Pets Department which I soon would be doing, but I soon was to find out it wasn't much better at all.

In fact, I remember now, this was the summer of 1989 leading into the year 1990. I worked at Wal-Mart that Christmas Season, which totally sucked ass. I remember that now because that's the year my Granddad on my mother's side passed away. It was December 7th, 1989. I knew it wasn't going to be long and I was scheduled to work all day that day just by some odd twist of fucking fate. I remember fighting with my older sister and my mother that morning saying I was not going in to work that day, I somehow knew, just knew that was the day. They finally convinced me into going on into work instead of going into the Hospital with them that day. Now I somehow wish I never listened to them, cuz several hours after being there, I heard my name over the Wal-Mart loud Speaker saying I had a Phone Call. My heart sank cuz I already knew just what this deal was and in fact, I was right, so seldom is Stefan ever wrong. It was them calling me to tell me he had passed away just ten minutes ago. If I had listened to ME, my one and only true guide, I would have been there, but no. I almost cried walking back to find my manager to tell him what had happened, but they already knew this was close because I told them. He didn't say much, Except, I am Sorry, and then looked at me and asked me what I was still doing there, to get to the clock and clock out, Just to Go, So, well, I turned around, never said a thing in return to him, Just turned around and walked off, heading to the timeclock almost in tears. I remember by the time I got to that timeclock I was so upset that I barely could clock out. I finally managed to do so some fucking how and got to the outside of the store. A nasty dreary day, rain was falling. I remember pulling outta the Wal-Mart parking lot, the rain hitting my windsheild, looking down at my gas monitor, knowing I simply didn't have enough gas to get from that Wal-Mart to the other fucking side of town where this Hospital was. I remember pulling out of the parking lot, heading for the I-20 Interstate, and stopping to get gas before I could even get to mom and the hospital. I rushed and was speeding actually, luckily I didn't get a ticket. I got to the Hospital, ran to the room that I know my Granddad had occuppied. They were all still gathered around in the room, the Dead Body was still in the bed, he hadn't even been moved yet. I remember walking in and hearing my Mom's Sister, which was my Aunt, balling and crying and screaming, Screaming, No, I want my Daddy back, I want my Daddy back. My mom was in tears too but not nearly as vocal, I could look over and see him in the hospital bed, Dead. My Aunt crying over him, all upset, I can still see it to this day in my mind, Oh God, I can still remember so fucking much til it's almost unreal, Fuck, give me a few and I'll continue here when I take a small break. This part isn't even over yet,
I REMEMBER SO FUCKING MUCH ~!~

Now as most know graduation and all that stuff comes into your life at this point. I did graduate, not top of my class, and not all that extra stuff, but I did graduate. I remember being so glad to finally finish and get done. I remember graduation night, I was glad to get my hands on my Diploma and just leave. I won't spend alot of time on this subject because it really isn't alot to talk about. Yanno, I struggled through 9 years of elementary school, then 4 more years of High School. I was tired and ready for the new stage of my life, as most probably are as well. Never having a clue, the best part of my life really was over that night, walking ahead into a whole new world would be a long depressing lonely time for me. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't wanna ever face some of the coming events in my life that I went through again. But now with this said, I guess the teen section of this page is now finally done.

To continue on with this, I guess you can head into the twenties section to pick up from here. I do know alot went on after this time and I know the twenties section will be the biggest reflections section there, so it's gonna be in depth and long for sure. I remember more parts and events and details there then any other time. I guess because it wasn't even really that long ago. Anyways, head on over to that part if you wish.

Thanks !!!